Sexy Mission, Sexy Boats, Sexy Crews Aim to Clean the Ocean by 2040

Sexy, Sexy Beasts of the Ocean

CJ Sterling

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Ocean Cleanup ship that scoops plastic out of the ocean
Interceptor 004. Photo by THE OCEAN CLEANUP

I admit it. I am horny for these sleek, massive ocean beasts — and the project, THE OCEAN CLEANUP, a non-profit organization that has taken on the massive challenge of cleaning up ALL the ocean’s plastic by 2040. What is making me feel frisky is that they will likely succeed.

After years of doomscrolling bad news about the environment, I felt dead inside. I haven’t had an orgasm since 2012. Sex is for people who have a future, right? Why have sex ever again? We are all going to die from plastic poisoning anyway, I figured. I threw away my vibrator, because I worried that it was leaving microplastic inside me. Talk about the enemy within!

The OCEAN CLEANUP (photo gallery link) deserves the all-caps in their name, because to date they have cleaned up 4,952,127 kilograms of garbage, concentrating on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. They quickly expanded to intercepting plastic out of rivers all over the world, to stop plastic before it reached the ocean.

I discovered THE OCEAN CLEANUP (dot com link) through hypnotizing shorts that popped up in my feed on YouTube. I began watching massive amounts of plastic being scooped up and hauled away in ships, in methodical, slow scoops with the soothing sound of the ocean making it my all-time favorite Zen binge. Oh man, that slow, deliberate net, scooping huge amounts of plastic and loading into ships. Damn, that was…hot!

I got all goosebumpy. I clicked on the corner icon to watch more. The hair on my arms stood up. I felt an odd feeling under my shirt. Were those my nipples contracting? Holy cats in my pants! The feeling that I would never feel the thrill of love or sex again lifted.

If you went to high school or college any time in the last two decades, you probably got assigned a project about the environment. And if you are like me, you picked one that had tons of articles, graphs, photos that you could plug into a slide show, to get it done so you could get back to whatever you were doing before that.

So you picked the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. An area in the ocean gyre twice the size of Texas, full of floating plastics. And more in a whole bunch of other places…

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CJ Sterling

Writer, journalist. Commentary: Washington Post, Economist, Daily Beast, New York Times, Seattle Times, Crosscut, The Stranger. 2.8 million views, Quora.